Sucks watching parents get old

[CountryRN]

Just like the title says, it sucks watching my parents get old. Both of them have been going down hill pretty hard for the last few years. Dad who taught me so much about working hard and being a man who can take care of everything that comes up now is depending on me and the family to drive him around and to help with projects around his house. Mom who was a nurse / nurse instructor who taught so many to care for patients is now requiring me to nurse her and she is struggling on many fronts. She was my driving force who supported me in many ways when I was struggling in nursing school. It's tough watching those we love so deeply transform from strong independent people to being so dependent on others. I live just down the street from them with a sister an hour away, and I see the decline the most.

Sorry to vent but I know many of you have been in a similar situation and others can see this coming in the future. My only advice is spend as much time with your loved ones as you can and let them know you love them.

Not looking for sympathy, just venting.

 

[CutNRun]

Thanks for the post. I'm in a similar situation. My Father's about to turn 90 and Mother will turn 89 next month. I always ask what I can do to help them, but they say they don't want to be a burden. I'm happy to fix things around the house and do general maintenance. I live 38 miles away. My youngest brother lives half that distance, but he's a CPA and tax season absorbs all his time. Mother insists on cooking and her hands have a noticible tremor these days, when she always used to be rock steady. My father has been legally blind his entire life, though eye surgeries have corrected his vision to where he sees better now than any point in his life. He taught me to fish and lit that fuse. He never hunted a day in his life, only because his vision was poor. His Father, My Grandfather, taught me worlds about outdoors, Bowhunting deer, marksmanship, and we used to run rabbits with his beagles in off season too, just to hear the sound. It is a difficult to see them attempting to function at a fraction of their former selves. They always try to pay me for helping out, even though I'm happy to do what I can for them. They tell me, "We'd have to pay somebody else more" and "We don't expect you to work for free." My next youngest brother is coming up from Atlanta this weekend to help out and stay with them for a long weekend. My older brother always got preferred treatment coming up, yet he's nowhere around and never chips in time or money to help them out.

Anyway, I'm rambling. As long as they know we love them and will do anything and everything we can to make their lives as good as we can, that's what's important. It just sucks to see someone near and dear struggle.

Jim

 

[Soilman]

My dad passed away 25 years ago. Mom is still doing ok at 89 living by herself, but she constantly worries about needing help and afraid of not having it in the future. I keep telling her that she has two children that will make sure she's taken care of when she needs it. Then, I tell her if she wants to worry about somebody not having anyone to take care of them to worry about me. I don't have children and there isn't anyone that's gonna look after me when I need it.

 

[dobber]

A few years ago my dad hung up his hunting boots, he just turned 86. The one thing I do though on any of my trips, I email him the daily events and he looks forward to that. Tried sharing the google pictures once, but since his techie skills are lacking he couldn't figure it out lol, his computer is meant for sollitaire and not much else

 

[T-Rock]

It's very hard watching your role model/hero decline. A little over a year ago my father was helping his landscaper carry 25 pound bags of decorative rocks 75 yards or more and placing them where they needed to go, and he effortlessly maintained his garden.

Today, for the most part he's a total care. Short term memory is all but gone and the long term is following behind at a rapid rate. He can no longer perform activities of daily living.

Throughout my life my dad was my best friend (still is), mentor, hunting/fishing partner, and camping/rock climbing partner.

When he turned 62, 27 years ago I could finally match him in a 40 yard sprint.
He was phenomenal athlete, yet modern day marvels of medicine is a boon and a curse.

Prior to a Watchman Device being placed his EF was preserved @ 60%. Following the Watchman his EF dropped to 28-30%, with the only remedy for displacement, open heart surgery, but at his age he's not a candidate.

While dealing with the business end of aging, we often find the roles with our parents shifting profoundly. They once cradled us in their loving arms and guided us down life's crazy paths but the roles eventually reverse and it can be a complex emotional journey.

Caring for a parent is an honor and a blessing, but it's very hard work, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but it's something I wouldn't have any other way.

I would never have had the opportunities I've had in life if not for my parents

 

[rodell]

As someone who is aging, I can tell you it is hard to ask for help. Always independent, I was taught you help others and you take care of business. I've still many years left (I hope) and I hope to never be that burden, but I see it happening. When one worries about taking care of the older generation, you can be pretty sure it is worse for them.

That said, I've been right where the OP is. It is hard as our parents become different people, not to mention the health issues.

 

[Graybeard12]

Thanks for the post - sometimes it's good to vent and just say what's on your mind and heart.

My dad died of cancer 9 years ago and mom currently has later stage Alzheimers. She has no recollection of ever being married or who we are. She thinks her father is still alive and he died when she was 16. This disease is a tough way to end life. The only thing good about it is it will make losing her a lot easier because in reality we've already lost her. I take solace in knowing she will be made new again.

 

[ol bob]

What sucks is two old folks taking care of each other. every day gets a little harder.

 

[ellwoodjake]

Me and the wife have been dealing with this, in one form or the other, for the last 20 years. First my dads's health problems, them mom's alzheimers and assorted nursing home struggles, overlapped by FIL's alzheimers, and his stays at several homes. My MIL is the only one we have now, but she stays with us most the time, as it is easier for the wife to care for her here. Still though, she starts missing her home, returns, and the wife has to go over there (15 miles) every day. Sure would be nice if some of her closer siblings would step up. The wife has been a real trooper, With what she did for my parents, her dad, and now mom, I think I'll be in good hands.

 

[Helium]

Just like the title says, it sucks watching my parents get old. Both of them have been going down hill pretty hard for the last few years. Dad who taught me so much about working hard and being a man who can take care of everything that comes up now is depending on me and the family to drive him around and to help with projects around his house. Mom who was a nurse / nurse instructor who taught so many to care for patients is now requiring me to nurse her and she is struggling on many fronts. She was my driving force who supported me in many ways when I was struggling in nursing school. It's tough watching those we love so deeply transform from strong independent people to being so dependent on others. I live just down the street from them with a sister an hour away, and I see the decline the most.

Sorry to vent but I know many of you have been in a similar situation and others can see this coming in the future. My only advice is spend as much time with your loved ones as you can and let them know you love them.

Not looking for sympathy, just venting.

Sounds very familiar… I live 1 mile away and my sister 1 hour away.

It does suck… reminds we come into this world like a child depending on other and leave like a child depending on others

 

[dobber]

https://www.usageriatricservices.com/

Those in doubt or wondering what to do, there are services for it, and they understand the tough discussions to be had

 

[thelivecanary]

A bit of dark levity....

I was talking to my pops about getting older and my mom having issues with her hip so she can't walk her normal two miles every morning, she now has to use the stationary bike for her AM workouts.

He very seriously leaned over to me and said, "it's gonna get tougher caring for you mom, she doesn't move like she used to." I instantly started laughing directly in his face...and I said, "are you high? This is the woman who beat cancer twice, kemo both times and she continued working during it. You honestly think you are gonna out live that woman and her Polish DNA? Her aunts all lived well into their nineties!"

We both just laughed! Sometimes that's the best you can do during those conversations.

 

[thandy]

Not sure which is worse. At 58 mom was in the best shape I had seen her in my life, lost weight and walking everyday. Then she got an infection in her blood and by the time they figured it out it had ate up her liver and kidneys. She was dead just a few months after she turned 59. She has been gone for almost 3 years and while I didn't want to see her suffer but she is missed.

Every time I hear Deann my Zach Bryan I get something in my eye....

"I don't want the stage - I don't want the girls - I want the days back you were breathin in the world"

 

[BigBow]

I realize now what an honor it was to have had the ability to look after my folks in their twilight years. I retired about a year+ before Dad passed @ 89 y.o. & looked after Mom for 3+ yrs. until she passed @ 89 y.o. also. My advice is to try your best to BE PATIENT, LOVING, KIND & RESPECTFUL. I am 70 & sometimes feel like I am becoming like my Dad & Mom. You will not realize how much you miss them until they are no longer there.

 

[guyo]

You are all doing the right thing please keep it up! And you all know where your love ones are I can tell my how you treated them. They raised some good people I'm getting closer at 75 still young but thinking about are future wife's 3 months younger.

 

[witler]

Totally understand, both of my parents are gone, miss them both.
To flip the coin, being a parent and getting old is a bummer. At 75 still have my mind but bad back and heart disease dictates my daily activites.

 

[Firedog]

As hard as it might be for the kids to watch, it has to be much harder on the parents to live. To have been independent and to move into a phase of dependency has to be devastating. Hope is not a strategy, I have always tried to live by the old hope in one hand and in the other and see which one fills up first. However, when it comes to aging all we can really do is hope. My one hope is that I and those I care about can live right up to the point we die. I have a hard time with the idea of the purgatory of being alive but not living.

 

[sky hawk]

My parents have aged a lot in the past few years. They still take care of themselves fine, but I can see it coming.

My Dad always said it’s God’s way of weaning us off these earthly bodies.

 

[timekiller13]

It is difficult watching loved ones age.

My grandfather declined rapidly a couple years ago and became a total care. It was hard on everyone. Especially him. He was sharp as tack mentally but physically couldn’t do anything. He just wanted it to end.

My wife’s grandmother is 94. Her dementia has gotten so bad over the last year that family can no longer safely care for her. She’s very mobile and otherwise healthy. But her mind is gone and she will wander off every chance she gets. Family stayed with her 24/7, put locks and alarms everywhere and she was still escaping in the middle of the night. Finally they broke down and put her in a nursing home. It broke their hearts.

My parents are still youngish (60s) but have had some health issues recently and it has got me thinking about their future and what I can do. My brother lives 2500 miles away so it’s just me.

 

[bryguy]

Moms been gone for 9 years now. Dad will be 91 in April and still handles a garden and all his yard work despite me trying to handle it for him. A lot of it is that he doesn't want to be a burden to me. My damn sister moved 4 hours away last year and now calls me anytime my dad wont answer the phone. I have made a lot of sacrifices in my life for my parents and honestly don't regret any of them. I have a peace about the whole thing and i know I have done right by them. Still wont make it any easier when my dad passes. All a part of living.

 

[CountryRN]

As an update, I brought mom to the ER yesterday. Blood clot in leg, fluid overload from heart failure and she has a new diagnosis of emphysema from where she smoked many years ago. She was working really hard to breathe and her cardiacenzymes were high. I had her admitted to the ICU where I work so my crew could watch her. As soon as she arrived, she decompensated and almost bought an intubation. My team worked her hard and now she is doing better but has a long road to go. I called the extended family in, but luckily as of right now it was for a good visit. She is progressing and hopefully will be continuing to improve.
I have a great team of nurses, and doctors with a few specialist that I trust. She is where she needs to be.

I think you all for the comments, thoughts and prayers. That is what is good about this NCHF community. For the most part we don't know each other, and we may not even like the others opinions, politics or methods of doing things but we are here to support each other from a distance.

 

[roundball]

Going on 80, I've been focusing on 'end of life' planning for a while, as I assume others do.
And while my thinking might change if / when I reach a point where a nursing home is on the table.....I 'currently' have no desire / no plan on going to one.
Not only because its not how I'd like to spend my final time...but also because I don't want to put any more burden on family / relatives during all that.
Thinking through options on how to deal with that decision if / when the time comes...

 

[BigBow]

Going into a nursing home is not the answer for everyone. Some of the nicer Nursing Homes or Memory Care are expensive. IE: $300/day+. I took out a Long Term Care policy early in life while the premiums were low, therefore it is still affordable for me @ age 70. I would like to be able to leave my family something w/out Medicaid taking everything I worked a lifetime for. I am no expert, but it might be worth your while to educate yourself on this subject while you are young.

 

[sky hawk]

Everyone hates nursing homes, but they exist for a reason. IMO, you shouldn't be so selfish as to demand your children sacrifice their life to care for you 24/7.

There's a point where family can help out and a person does fine at home, especially if multiple children can share the load. But when you need total care, and can't be left alone, that is what nursing homes are for. I have seen people held hostage and essentially abandon their own family because a parent made them promise to never put them in a nursing home. That's a pretty selfish promise to ask of your kids IMO.

If I ever get to the point where I need 24/7 care, I hope my kids will put me in a home and not think twice about it. Guilt free.

 

[BigBow]

Everyone hates nursing homes, but they exist for a reason. IMO, you shouldn't be so selfish as to demand your children sacrifice their life to care for you 24/7.

There's a point where family can help out and a person does fine at home, especially if multiple children can share the load. But when you need total care, and can't be left alone, that is what nursing homes are for. I have seen people held hostage and essentially abandon their own family because a parent made them promise to never put them in a nursing home. That's a pretty selfish promise to ask of your kids IMO.

If I ever get to the point where I need 24/7 care, I hope my kids will put me in a home and not think twice about it. Guilt free.

My Dad & Mom unselfishly decided to go to a nursing home late in life. He had taken out a LTC policy later in life & his premium was around $400/month. He had asked me once if I thought he should cancel the policy & when I asked why he said, "so I can leave you & your brothers a financial inheritance". I told him absolutely not if he could afford the retirement home fee. He passed about 3-4 months after entering. Mom hung on for another 3 years. The nursing home was nice. I tried to visit at least once or more times a week. Dad had said earlier in life that he would never go to a facility, but entered purely out of love for my Mom. I was fortunate to have such loving parents.

 

[DRS]

Been there with my Dad. I'm trying to help mom but she can be fiesty. She is very independent. Both my wife's parents are still doing well for now. Sometimes I think they will all out live me though.