An old man was waiting in a bus station when a young man with a multi colored mohawk walks in and sat across from him. The old man stared and stared at the young mans rainbow hair until the young man asked, what is it old man didn't you ever wild and crazy when you were young? The old man replied yep, I had sex with a parrot and I was just trying to figure out if you could be my offspring.
A man in a supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. A very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
" Canada , sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."
A farmer drove to a neighbour's & knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mum & Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull & $50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator. "Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?" "I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.