Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Longrifle

Longrifle

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
A lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $10 to15million. And I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary......
 
pcbuckhunter

pcbuckhunter

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
YanceyGreenhorn said:
Lol. Board stretcher, sky hook, left handed spools of wire,a bucket for catching the sparks from someone welding or grinding , and many more.

The best one I came up with was when I was doing commercial landscaping. Had an unmotivated 18 year old kid that overslept every day and all that good stuff. He was notorious for spilling gas when fueling up equipment. The foreman always carried a notebook to keep track of stuff on these huge jobs. He'd always have a new backup one in the truck for when the current one was filled up. I told the kid that it was the “gas log” where you had to write down every time you spilled any fuel while filling up mowers, blowers, chain saws, weed eaters, etc. I gave him a 10 min tutorial on how to gauge how much gas was spilled based on the size of the drops or spill. Then told him he had to differentiate between regular and mix fuel. It was golden because he was writing it all in the book that the foreman hadn’t started using yet. Bout two months later the foreman goes for the new book. Starts flipping through the pages cussing and finally says “anyone wanna tell me WTF this is?????.” The kid chimes in super proud, thinking the foreman is testing him. “Yep that’s the gas log so the company knows how much fuel we’ve spilled. You don’t have to train me on it though. Chris already showed me what I needed to write.” Foreman just sighed and looked at me and said “F you buddy “ and threw the book in the floor
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We had a newbie once that was dumber than a bag of hammers. He’d fall for ANYTHING. It almost got to the point where it wasn’t any fun to pull stuff on him. … almost.

The first week he started, on Friday afternoon, I sent him to let the air pressure off the tracks on the trackhoe. Told him that since it was gonna be sitting all weekend, it wasn’t good for it to have all that pressure on it. I gave him a core puller and told him to let about 40 lbs out of each valve stem, and to be sure to tighten the core back up. He takes the core puller and proceeds to spend an hour crawling all over and all up under that trackhoe, looking for valve stems. The foreman finally went over there and asked him “Just wtf are you trying to do boy?” He told him, and the foreman just said “Are you f’n stupid or something? Who tf told you to do that???” The boy points at me and the foreman said “Get your sorry ass in the truck!!! He’s f’n with you. I ain’t got time for this :donk:donk:donk:donk!!! It’s Beer Thirty on a Friday!!!”
The boy looks down at his feet and shuffles to the truck. Fast forward to the next Friday afternoon, the foreman asked him if he had let the pressure off the tracks in the trackhoe. The boy looks at him and says “No sir, I’ll do that right now.” Proceeds to spend the next 20 minutes looking for the valve stems. Foreman just shakes his head and says “That boy ain’t real sharp is he?”

This same boy was convinced by somebody, I have no clue who…. that squirting high temp grease on his wiper blades would make them last longer.
 
valetroutfisherman

valetroutfisherman

Ten Pointer
When i was 16, first job was at an Italian resturaunt. Cooks sent me to ger a pot of steam.
In my Army days, we sent the FNG to supply for: a box of grid squares, blackout matches and frequency grease for the radio's.
Back in the 90's newbies had damn "stress cards" didnt want to stress them out in basic and AIT to much.
 
Hunting Nut

Hunting Nut

Old Mossy Horns
valetroutfisherman said:
When i was 16, first job was at an Italian resturaunt. Cooks sent me to ger a pot of steam.
In my Army days, we sent the FNG to supply for: a box of grid squares, blackout matches and frequency grease for the radio's.
Back in the 90's newbies had damn "stress cards" didnt want to stress them out in basic and AIT to much.
Click to expand...

"Stress cards".... like there ain't no "stress" in armed conflict/war...
LMFAO... !!!!!
"CALL A MARINE--- THE SONG.
GAFB!!!
4 dot, 3 dot, 2 dot, dash.
Those that know, will know.
 
NCbowjunkie

NCbowjunkie

Ten Pointer
I have a lot of good tales on jokes done to employees. Snake (live) in the tool box Snake in the bushes. Replumb water line at sink to give the user a hair wash
We had a young kid (Shine) that cleaned up cars at the back of the shop. I had a couple stalls and a front end alignment pit (old school) the shop was built over a filled in swamp and the pit would fill with water overnight I had a sump pump to pump it out one day right before lunch I had the pump running and I was bent over with a rubber hammer hitting the side of the pit for no reason Well Shine walked up and asked what I was doing. Told him I was knocking the water out and if he would finish it I would bring him a cheeseburger back from lunch. Got back with his cheese burger and he was in the corner of the pit knocking the 💩out of both sides. Said the water goes out faster if you hit both walls hard
 
beavercleaver

beavercleaver

Twelve Pointer
FITZH2O said:
View attachment 71083
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My 12 year old daughter had a project to make an eye replica with items from kitchen and for the optic nerve she used some gum she found from my wife’s bachelorette party called dicklets that were shaped like penises ,she went to private Christian school,she got an a on the project and nobody noticed the penises until after it was graded sent home and they wanted her to bring it back to display in they’re art fair and we had to tell her why she couldn’t ,she was horrified and had to re do the optic nerve with macaroni …keep dicklets out of kids reach
 

FITZH2O

Old Mossy Horns
beavercleaver said:
My 12 year old daughter had a project to make an eye replica with items from kitchen and for the optic nerve she used some gum she found from my wife’s bachelorette party called dicklets that were shaped like penises ,she went to private Christian school,she got an a on the project and nobody noticed the penises until after it was graded sent home and they wanted her to bring it back to display in they’re art fair and we had to tell her why she couldn’t ,she was horrified and had to re do the optic nerve with macaroni …keep dicklets out of kids reach
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I woulda sent it back in!!!
 
specialk

specialk

Twelve Pointer
pcbuckhunter said:
We had a newbie once that was dumber than a bag of hammers. He’d fall for ANYTHING. It almost got to the point where it wasn’t any fun to pull stuff on him. … almost.

The first week he started, on Friday afternoon, I sent him to let the air pressure off the tracks on the trackhoe. Told him that since it was gonna be sitting all weekend, it wasn’t good for it to have all that pressure on it. I gave him a core puller and told him to let about 40 lbs out of each valve stem, and to be sure to tighten the core back up. He takes the core puller and proceeds to spend an hour crawling all over and all up under that trackhoe, looking for valve stems. The foreman finally went over there and asked him “Just wtf are you trying to do boy?” He told him, and the foreman just said “Are you f’n stupid or something? Who tf told you to do that???” The boy points at me and the foreman said “Get your sorry ass in the truck!!! He’s f’n with you. I ain’t got time for this :donk:donk:donk:donk!!! It’s Beer Thirty on a Friday!!!”
The boy looks down at his feet and shuffles to the truck. Fast forward to the next Friday afternoon, the foreman asked him if he had let the pressure off the tracks in the trackhoe. The boy looks at him and says “No sir, I’ll do that right now.” Proceeds to spend the next 20 minutes looking for the valve stems. Foreman just shakes his head and says “That boy ain’t real sharp is he?”

This same boy was convinced by somebody, I have no clue who…. that squirting high temp grease on his wiper blades would make them last longer.
Click to expand...

Got a cousin who pulls pranks all the time.. was laying out irrigation pipe and guns in a bacco field and had a newbie helping...he told him to take the gun down the row and watch and he would let him know when to stop...guy does it and comes back and starts to lay pipe towards the gun....last piece is about 5ft from gun....he tells nimrod to run to the truck and get the pipe strecthers...guy comes back 15 mins later says he cant find them....
 
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Longrifle

Longrifle

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?" The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
 
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