Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Homebrewale

Old Mossy Horns
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife subsequently delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
 

Homebrewale

Old Mossy Horns
Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,

...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.
 

Homebrewale

Old Mossy Horns
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

The Lady asks the farm manager: “How many times can this bull perform?”
Manager replies: “5 to 6 times in a day”.
Lady looks at her husband: “You see?”

Husband asks the manager: “Is it the same cow every time?”
Manager: “No sir it’s a different cow every time.”
Man looks back to wife: “You see!”
 

Homebrewale

Old Mossy Horns
I was in the park with my dog and I said to this guy "Which way are you going to vote?"
Democrat, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.

I carried on and I saw a woman, "Which way are you going vote? " I asked. "
"Democrat, " she said. My dog bit her as well.

As I carried on I met another man, "Which way are you going vote?" I asked.
"Republican, " he said. With that my dog bit him.

My dog doesn't give a crap about politics.
 

Banjo

Old Mossy Horns
A wife tells her husband...."honey the dishwasher is acting up" Husband replies, "do I look like, the maytag man"

A few days later, the wife says "honey the freezer isn't getting very cold" the husband replies. "do I look like, they maytag man"

A few days later, the wife says, "honey, the washing machine will not drain" the husband replies, "do I look like the maytag man"

The husband comes home one evening and the wife says, "I got all of the appliances repaired" The husband asked how, the wife replied, " I called a repair man" The husband asks, "how did you pay for it" The wife responded, "he told me I could bake him a cake or make love to him" The husband asks, "what did you do" the wife responded, "do I look like Betty Crocker".
 

MtnMan

Eight Pointer
A wife tells her husband...."honey the dishwasher is acting up" Husband replies, "do I look like, the maytag man"

A few days later, the wife says "honey the freezer isn't getting very cold" the husband replies. "do I look like, they maytag man"

A few days later, the wife says, "honey, the washing machine will not drain" the husband replies, "do I look like the maytag man"

The husband comes home one evening and the wife says, "I got all of the appliances repaired" The husband asked how, the wife replied, " I called a repair man" The husband asks, "how did you pay for it" The wife responded, "he told me I could bake him a cake or make love to him" The husband asks, "what did you do" the wife responded, "do I look like Betty Crocker".
And she didn't see him for three days . Took that long for the swellin to go down.
 

dobber

Ten Pointer
Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So Mr Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Obamas and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'
 
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