Laughter Is The Best Medicine

longrifle

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
 

Hazmt

Button Buck
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
This is funny! If you said Farmer in NC, I would have thought you were talking about me!!
 

Homebrewale

Old Mossy Horns
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 

Homebrewale

Old Mossy Horns
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store.
The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him.
The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime.
He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and
said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you.
They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.
Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
 

MtnMan

Eight Pointer
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store.
The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him.
The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime.
He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and
said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you.
They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.
Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
Junior ain't as dumb as they look .
 

pcbuckhunter

Twelve Pointer
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

Homebrewale

Old Mossy Horns
An elderly fellow lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, he eased himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame -- gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven: there, spread out on wax paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one herculean final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookies was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. His aged, shaking hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. Suddenly his hand was smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!"
 
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